Lately I've been thinking a lot about what I am doing with my life. The only conclusion I can really come to is that I don't want to grow up. It's really hard living up to peoples expectations, or even your own expectations at that. I have high expectations of myself which makes things hard. Sometimes I wish I would just be satisfied with what I am doing and where I am at now. Yet, somehow I always want more from myself. I don't understand when enough is enough and when I have given it all I can possibly give. That is how I end up waaay in over my head, stressed to the max, and wanting to quit everything at once.
It is so hard to try and make everyone happy. I want to visit my family but I have work. I want to visit my grandparents but I haven't visited my family yet. I want to go on a mini vacation with my man but then I feel guilty because I haven't seen my grandparents or my family. I can't make everyone happy and it freaking kills me. So when do I stop trying to make everyone happy and focus on myself and what I want? If I just focus on myself does that make me heartless and selfish? What if everyone gets mad at me because I am focusing too much on me? I feel like even though its hard to try and make everyone happy, it's even harder not to put myself last.
So the question is how do I find a happy medium?? I haven't a clue. After this summer semester I am done with school...for now...which I feel will help. I can take some time to really figure out what I want to do for my career. Yes, I'm 22 with a bachelors degree in psychology and I decided right as I'm finishing up that I don't want to go into psychology. So I am going to take a year off to decide what I want to be when I grow up. This way I can focus more on me and figuring out what I want.
I have a great job, a wonderful boyfriend, amazing family, and a pretty dang good life, but when I get caught up in satisfying everyone else I forget to keep nourishing the wonderful things I have worked hard for in my own life. I need to find a healthy way to keep myself happy along with everyone else. Obviously not everyone is going to get exactly what they would like. I'm not going to be able to make everyone happy but at least I am focusing on the main thing I need to focus on right now. Me.
Call me selfish, self centered, naive or whatever. I feel like this is something I need to do and something that could really benefit me in the long run. I feel like this is a part of me that needs to grow up. I have put others first for too long and I think it is about time that I put me before them for a little while.